Top 10 Most Useless Items on My Baby Registry

When I got pregnant, I didn’t know a single thing about babies. I didn’t know how to hold them, when to feed them, or how to make them sleep. I certainly didn’t know what items I needed to care for one.

Buy Buy Baby feeds off ignorant women like me. Their store is packed to the max with thousands of baby products all vying for a spot in your tiny apartment. Which of these items do you actually need, though?

Everything! The store replies.

The day I went to register I was so overwhelmed by the amount of stuff in that store that I had to stop halfway through and take a break in the nursing chair section.

(where I obviously picked out the most expensive one).

That day I scanned the bar-code of at least a hundred items I would never actually end up using. The more kids I have, the more I realize how unnecessary the vast majority of registry items are.

For my first baby, I had a full changing table.
With my second I put a changing pad on top of a dresser.
I change my twins on the floor.

For my first baby, I had a Potty Barn complete bedding set with a sheet, quilt, bumpers, crib skirt, and matching throw pillow.
With my second I had sheets and bumpers.
My twins’ cribs have no bedding other than the sheet.

For my first baby I had a full activity gym.
With my second I had a little arch with toys that hung down.
My twins lay on a blanket or directly on the wood floor. I give them a kitchen spoon.

My poor fifth child, if they ever exist, will probably sleep on the floor and wear nothing but a diaper.

With that in mind, here are the top 10 most useless things from my 2012 baby registry:

  1. Baby Breeza Baby Food Maker

    I have a Cuisinart food processor. Why would I possibly need a tiny blender like this? And who has time to make baby food anyway?

  2. Baby Food Cookbook

    See above. Experienced Mom Tip: buy an immersion blender and give whatever you’re serving everyone else a whirl. Instant baby food.

  3. Moses Basket

    This was my plan for where the baby would sleep for the first few weeks.  We attempted to use it for two nights before we realized that there was a zero percent possibility of us sleeping with a baby in our room. Babies are LOUD! Since then each baby has slept in their crib – in a separate room – from the beginning.

  4. Carseat Seat Protectors

    This one makes me laugh. I almost want to take a picture of the back seats of my car with cracker crumbs ground into the upholstery, jelly smeared on the seat belts, and mud crusted on the floorboards and tape it up in the seat protector section of Buy Buy Baby as a public service announcement. FYI NEW MOMS: THERE IS NO WAY TO PROTECT YOUR CAR FROM TODDLERS. Save the 50 bucks and buy yourself some high waisted mom jeans.

  5. Baby Monitor

    If I ever live in a house large enough to warrant a baby monitor, you can call me blessed. At the time I put this on my registry, we lived in a 500 square foot apartment. There wasn’t one square inch of that place I could go and not hear even a little toot. Now we’re in a 1400 square foot house and I’m still not sure why I would need a baby monitor. If those babies start crying, believe me, they make sure I hear it.

  6. Baby Quilt

    Why does every bedding set include one of those crib sized quilts? When would you ever use that? Kids don’t learn to keep a blanket on until they are much older and when that happens you’re not going to want to cover them with a stiff quilt. By the time my oldest could keep a blanket on she’d been out of a crib for a year and a half. What good is a crib sized quilt then?

  7. Johnson & Johnson’s Baby Bedtime Bath

    This bottle makes a big claim: clinically proven to help baby sleep better. I pictured myself giving my newborn daughter a relaxing bath and then laying her down to drift into dreamland for the night. First of all, most newborns hate baths. If they don’t hate actually being in the water, they hate when you take them out and are freezing their little butts off as you frantically try to diaper and clothe them. Second, there’s just no chance that a little lavender in the bath bubbles makes any real impact on a newborn’s sleep. No more false promises.

  8. An Excessive Number of Places to Put Baby

    You need a place to put baby until they no longer hate being on the floor. That’s it. ONE PLACE. I registered for (and received) a baby bouncer, a baby swing, a baby jumper, a bumbo, and baby walker, and a baby entertainer. Did I mention we had a 500 square foot apartment? Thankfully we’ve smartened up over the years, joined a few swap groups, and now keep only one of those items at a time. When it’s no longer the best fit, we trade it in for the next item we need.

  9. Baby Lullabies CD

    I got this Jewel Lullaby CD when I was pregnant with my first. I think we played it one time. If there’s any chance of a lullaby soothing your crying baby, it’s going to have to be your voice. I can’t compete with Jewel! Why even introduce her to the baby?! Playing music made for a baby is a bad habit to get into anyway. That’s how you find yourself a few years later unable to drive anywhere without popping in toddler tunes for your whiny 2 year old. Begin as you mean to go on. Play your own music. Sing your own lullabies.

  10. Diaper Genie

    Thankfully I never received this item because now that I’ve seen how it works in other people’s homes I’ve realized it’s totally unnecessary and frankly a little gross. Why would you want to keep dirty diapers in the bedroom? That’s like installing a septic tank in your living room. Don’t be lazy about poop. Just walk yourself over to the trash and put that thing where it goes.

Well, there it is. The top 10 most useless items from my 2012 baby registry. Just a drop in the bucket of the tens of thousands of other totally unnecessary items at baby stores. A whole segment of the economy founded on convincing inexperienced moms they need things they’ll never use. I’m on to you, Buy Buy Baby.

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